Acceptance - If you tell me to "let go" one more time...

Acceptance is sometimes that illusive ability to “let go”. The other side of acceptance is often avoidance. Avoidance of experiences, feelings, thoughts, and emotions. If you look up acceptance in a thesaurus, other words listed are acknowledgement, cooperation, and recognition. So how can we define acceptance? Can it be an acknowledgement that the feelings, thoughts, emotions, and situation are real? Can it be considered a cooperation with the present moment, rather than a push back on it? How about a recognition that this moment is different than the last? Maybe filled with more or less than the last? 

In behavior analytic terms, avoidance can be defined as “negative self-stimulatory behaviors” while acceptance can be defined as “choosing short term aversives that will be followed by long term positive reinforcement” (T. Szabo, Practicum Communication, 2019). 

So how do we develop a habit of letting go? Of accepting? How do we develop this behavioral repertoire? And why does it matter?

Research shows that acceptance based behavioral treatment supports improved sleep with those experiencing chronic pain, increases in quality of life, and increases psychological flexibility. 

How do we dive further into acceptance? How willing are you?

First, it may be helpful to consider am I willing to explore things I sometimes try to avoid? What does willingness mean to me? It is writing it down? Talking about it? Noticing a thought?

Second, know why willingness is important to you. I’m willing because… it helps me grow. I’m willing because… I experience the richness of life. I’m willing because…

In yoga class, acceptance may show up as acknowledging that the body doesn’t move in a certain that moment. Rather than avoiding the pose, staying with the current expression may be a brief moment of acceptance.

In daily routines, acceptance may show up as cooperating and working with the current situation. This may be avoiding folding laundry because I view it as boring. But in that avoidance, that small action builds up and over time, I feel cluttered, messy, disorganized, and scattered, and have to take LONGER to fold my laundry. Rather I could accept I have laundry to fold in the moment, choose that aversive activity, and be reinforced later down the road with continued cleanliness of my house.

On emotional levels, acceptance may be a recognition of statements “I don’t want to feel sad so I….”, “I do that to skip past the pain.”. The avoidance of feelings and emotions shows up. Rather acceptance could show up as “I’m willing to explore my sadness right now.”, “I’m exploring this pain rather than skipping past it.” It’s not a wallowing in the feelings, but an acknowledgment that they are real rather than trying to sweep them under the rug.

Acceptance Exercises

• Write down things that you do to try and control, avoid, or minimize unwanted feelings, emotions, thoughts and sensations? Consider the short term effect vs the long term effect of these avoidance actions. Reflect on what these actions cost you in the long run? What do you miss out of?

• Sit in a chair. Notice the back touching the chair. Each time that you notice your back, say “no”. Say “no” to the sensation, the experience, the feeling for at least 2 minutes. What comes up when you say “no”?

  • Sit in the same chair. Notice your back touching the chair. This time, each time you notice your back against the chair, say “Yes”. Say “Yes” to the sensations, the experiences, the feelings for at least 2 minutes. What comes up when you say “Yes”?