Mindful Listening
So even as a I write this blog, with the hopes that it’ll have some advice for others, I’m struggling with the thought of being a mindful listener. I find my mind flashing forward to conversations I want to have, need to have, and preparing my thoughts and words. But to truly to be a mindful listener, one should be present in the moment with the individual they are sharing that moment with and base responses off of that exact moment.
I know… it’s hard to think that way… trust me!
Being a mindful listener is really being present with another person without judgement about their words. It means showing up without intention to fix or help unless asked by the other person. It is focused attention on another person’s words.
First and foremost it’s important to ask ourselves, things along these lines:
Do I know when my mind wanders when I’m speaking with another person?
When I notice myself wandering, how does this change my ability to listen? What does it feel like?
When I notice my mind start to wander, it is easy or hard to get back on track with the person I’m speaking with?
Do I speak for a certain reason? Do I try to fill silence? Do I interrupt to show I know the point?
Do I speak to avoid certain emotions coming up in the conversation?
How to become a more mindful listener takes practice. Yes, practice! There’s some thought that people are just inherently born better listeners. But guess what… we can build up our ability to be more mindful as we listen, just like we integrate other habits into our lives. We just need to know what we’re building and how we define it for ourselves in a way we can actually see ourselves doing it. For my behavior analytic folks, yes - I’m talking about an operational definition for mindful listening.
Ok, so what can you practice? Here’s a six ideas and recommendations:
Try this: Grab a partner, a friend, a coworker, or someone nearby. Each person will get 3 minutes to talk, without interruption. Post a question that both of you will have the opportunity to answer fully. Notice how it feels to speak without interruption and listen fully to the other person. Notice the space of silence as the other person continues to gather their thoughts and continues on.
Mindful Music: Pick a song or a few songs to listen to. Close your eyes and focus on the song itself, the melody, the instruments, the vocals. Try not to be caught up in singing along or judgements about the song. Let your attention follow the sounds, analyze with attention and focus.
Put away distractions: Yup, put away phones, turn off computers, turn away from the TV, and put your eyes on the other person. If there’s something super important that you’re expecting (i.e. phone call or email). Let the other person know and ask to speak at a later time so you can be fully present.
Take a deep breath: Take a breath before conversations. It’ll help stay in the moment and bring the focus to the here and now.
Nature Sounds: Find an area outside to sit in a comfortable position. Close the eyes. Start to focus in on all the sounds around you. Maybe the wind, birds, breeze, humming of nearby traffic. Let your ears take in all the varied sounds around you. Notice if there’s a difference between when you seek out sounds vs let the sounds come to you. Try this for about 5 minutes.
Mindless vs. Mindful: Ask someone a simple question and listen to their response. Tell your mind to wander (Mindless). Maybe answer the question in your mind. Notice how that felt as a listener. Ask the speaker how they felt in that interaction. Now take another minute to ask the same question and engage in focused listening (mindful) with another person. Notice what comes up. Notice the difference between the two.
The next thing to consider, is how do we know if the practice is helping us become a more mindful listener? Takes notes, journal, and ask for feedback from those you are listening to. If you’ve defined that mindful listening for you means letting the other person speak without your interruptions. Note when you interrupt. Take a tally. And see what happens for the next conversation.